Currently reading:
Radical Ecstasy by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
I feel like I'm coming out of the tail end of a purgatory I didn't ask for. Felt guilty for so long for something I never wanted to happen, but now it's ending. I mean, not immediately, like overnight yesterday, but it's been in the works this past year. And it wasn't anything horrible or some grand drama.... it was me being unhappy, not the person I should be. It didn't substances or any great trauma. Or a relationship, for that matter, because it's certainly been over a year since I've been involved with someone. It just was-- I've had a couple of unhappy years. I'd like to blame Bush, and I'd like to give Obama credit for making things swing in a positive, upbeat direction, but aaaahh... don't think that will work this time.
For 5 years I was taking a small dose (25mg) of Zoloft and last year my doctor suggested I didn't need it anymore. That may very well be the trick... I could have been taking something that I no longer needed and it was affecting me in ways that weren't so great.
I'm losing weight and anyone who's lived with a ton of weight knows what I'm talking about. How much it affects your self-esteem and things you believe about yourself. It makes you so much more appreciative of your body. You feel sexier. You feel hopeful. This past summer I went swimming and did calistentics in a pool everyday for 15-20 minutes to jump start it. Now that it's a couple months into winter, I'd like to take credit for the continued loss, but it may be hormones and genetic thryroid issues.... that's ok. I'll take it as it comes, and losing weight is absolutely the best thing for my health on all fronts. My suspicion is hormones because I have more energy, more desire to get out (I feel like I had some sort of social anxiety the past couple of years) and I can handle less sleep. I was a big ole baby who needed 8 hours or felt cranky, like I had a hangover. No mas.
My suspicion- besides the hormones- is that the Zoloft certainly caused me to need sleep (it's an Endocronology thing... Serotonin is a neurotransmitter involved in all good things, especially sleep. Zoloft works on Serontonin.) And I think it gave me a bit of social anxiety about going to parties and groups of new people I didn't know. Not anymore this year.
And I have all this new hair on my head, fast approaching Golden God territory, but I think I had to be in the right mindset to accept the great responsibility that such hair entails. Anyone with hair, or without hair, knows how hair can affect your demeanor and personality.
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Still mourning the loss of my old version of this blog... damn, but I thought I wrote some cool stuff! The anti-rape condom in South Africa is in the news again, and I had blogged when it came out.
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20008347-10391704.html
I railed against the women representations in Terminator Salvation, and sung the praises of feminist James Cameron.
I went on to praise "The Hurt Locker," while "Avatar" could go suck it.
I got super excited about Patti Smith's "Just Kids" when it came out, filling in the life Jack Fritscher never spoke of in his Mapplethorpe bio.
Ah, me.... stop pining for things lost!
Onward and upward.
For Christmas, I would like Santa to bring me tons of time, because I have so much to accomplish.
I need to get back into the swing of things with "Is This Normal?", the internet talkshow I co-host with Emily Prior for The Center for Positive Sexuality,
http://positivesexuality.org/
I want to pick up my camera and so some photography.
I have to get busy on a Corset Lecture that I can start giving to groups and schools. I hope to enter academia soon.
I am taking drum lessons.
I want to keep reading, learning, growing and getting the hell outside and being active, no matter how much money I don't have. I need lack of money to no longer take up my time and attention.
I want to be out and about with Friends and Loved Ones and make this the best Christmas and Holidays ever.
I won't lie. I'm feeling pretty good about myself and high on life right now. It's the feeling where everything looks beautiful.There's a bounce in your step. You keep music on and sing in the car. You air drum... or at least I do. You get very excited when you unexpectedly get phone calls that make you happy. Electricity goes out for almost 24 hours and you're excited to used candles, batteries in a jambox and finally read some instead of sew.
You feel so much joy about Trent Reznor's kick ass cover of "Immigrant Song" being released to radio stations (even though the "leaked" trailer was a few months ago). You go on Facebook to talk about it like it's the next day at school::: enjoy while it's still on The YouTubes
(and somehow I can't get the "embed" to work)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRonBXRYe7k
